


Transatlanticism

by sashimiprince



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Angst, BBL spoilers, Human forms, ICPSS enabled, M/M, Post-BBL, Post-Canon, but not a lot of it - Freeform, hatoful boyfriend - Freeform, its based off the album tranatlanticism by death cab for cutie, sakuryou - Freeform, so thats funs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-10-31 23:10:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10909398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sashimiprince/pseuds/sashimiprince
Summary: Sakuya made Kawara a promise on that day.He promised he would come back for him.And he was going to do anything he could to be able to make that happen.





	1. New Year

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Transatlanticism](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/290586) by Death Cab for Cutie. 



  
_I wish the world was flat like the old days_  
_Then I could travel just by folding a map_  
_No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways_  
_There'd be no distance that can hold us back_  
_There'd be no distance that could hold us back_  
_So this is the new year_

 

 

Sakuya Le Bel Shirogane did not expect to care so much about someone, let alone a commoner like Ryouta Kawara.

It was, of course, difficult to not like someone who you went through a disaster with. Finding Tosaka Hiyoko’s head in a distasteful box, being locked in a dome for 12 hours, having to solve the mystery surrounding the mysterious death of said Tosaka Hiyoko, watching your brother die right in front of you, and finding out that the cause of everything was the one person you trusted is definitely something he’d classify as a ‘catastrophe.’ 

Except most people, after having an experienced a catastrophe, get to spend time with the person they went through it with.

Of course that day had to take another thing from him.

At the end of that day in September, he was ready to finally leave that terrible building with Kawara and leave it all behind them. They would be able to maybe, just maybe, move beyond what happened to them in that place and work something out between them. (As friends, of course. Sakuya would never sink so low as to like a mongrel like him.)

Then they found out another terrible thing, as if that day hadn’t thrown enough curveballs at the two of them already. Ryouta had been diagnosed with the Charon Virus, which as of then did not have a cure because that despicable Dr. Iwamine had implanted Fujishiro Nageki’s liver inside of him to conduct an experiment to eradicate the entire human race. And so, as a result, Kawara had to be cryogenically frozen inside the basement of the school for god knows who long and Sakuya had to leave with him.

Sakuya made Kawara a promise on that day.

He promised he would come back for him.

And he was going to do anything he could to be able to make that happen.

He even went so far as to work with the man- could you even call him a man after the cowardly things he did that day?- who caused Kawara to be put in that freezer.

Day in and day out, Sakuya puts in as many funds as his father allows him to into finding this cure. 

Day in and day out, Sakuya sees that the newest cure for the Charon Virus does not work.

Day in and day out, Sakuya’s hope to be able to see his friend again wears thinner and thinner.

He doesn’t know how many more failed tests he can take.

He sits here, New Year’s Eve in the Le Bel household, pretending to care about all the fanciest and wealthiest people this place has to offer while he is haunted by the memory of his friend. He checks the clock and thinks about how it’s been almost a year and a half without Kawara with him. 

He stirs his virgin cocktail with his finger, not caring about the ballroom dancing happening in front of him or how he looks in front of these aristocrats. It’s not like he was one, anyways. He wasn’t even a true Le Bel. He shouldn’t even dare step foot in this mansion.

He just has nowhere else to go.

As the clock hits midnight, and champagne corks fly off with people cheering, Sakuya tries to dig up as much hope as he can muster for this new year.

It just doesn’t seem to work anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Welcome to this fic that I'm writing. That's fun. There's not enough sakuryou stuff out there- so I decided to add my own! This is one of my first fics so I hope its okay :') please leave criticism i NEED it
> 
> Listen to New Year here:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MwhxdGAnic
> 
> Next is going to be A Lack Of Color!


	2. A Lack of Color

  


_I'm reaching for the phone_  
_To call at 7:03 and on your machine_  
_I slur a plea for you to come home_  
_But I know it's too late_  
_And I should have given you a reason to stay_  
_Given you a reason to stay_

 

Sakuya hasn’t really known what to do with himself for this past year and a half.

Besides trying to ignore Mr. Le Bel (which wasn’t difficult, as he never went out of his way to talk to his children) and finishing up paperwork so that Kawara could have the best care with the least amount of strings attached, there was really nothing to do in this mansion.

There was always the piano when Mr. Le Bel had left, but even that had lost it’s feeling to it. It always hurt him to much to play it.

* * *

_It was near the end of the school year when it happened._

_Can Sakuya explain what caused him to cave in and play the piano in the music room? He cannot. He knew, though. He knew aristocrats were never supposed to play music, they were supposed to fund the music. He knew this because this is what his father told him._

_He found himself absent mindedly in the music room, longingly looking at the piano keys. He took a once around of the room, seeing that no one else was there, and sat down to play._

_The song was a happy one._

_He didn’t understand how or why he had started to play more happy music than sad ones. The only things you’d usually hear him play were somber tunes._

_As he finished his song, elated with the feeling of playing a musical instrument, he looked around at the door for something. Did he want someone to stand there and be entranced? Or did he want know one to know what he had done? He wasn’t sure._

_What he definitely wasn’t expecting was for Ryouta Kawara to be standing at the door._

_He looked onward at the piano and Sakuya with wide, mesmerized eyes, not saying anything._

_Immediately, Sakuya started looking for excuses as he tried to hide his own embarrassment. “I wasn’t- I don’t know why I did that. I shouldn’t be- It’s not like someone of my status to play that.” Kawara just continued to look at him as a bright smile played onto his face._

_“Sakuya, that was amazing! I never knew you could play! Are you going to be a professional musician?”_

_He didn’t know how to answer this. His first response was no, of course not, I am going to be the next heir to the Le Bel throne but there was another answer in the back of his mind. He had thought of it, yes, many times. And Sakuya might actually be happy if he pursued this career._

_Luckily for him, Kawara did not give Sakuya enough time to answer the question that has troubled him for so long. “Do you think you could teach me how to play?”_

_“Well… I… it’s just that I don’t think a commoner like you would be able to play very well.” Kawara’s smile faltered hearing this. Sakuya looks back at him, trying to downplay the rising blush in his cheeks. “But… you know… there’s no point in not giving you a lesson, I suppose.”_

_Kawara gives him the widest smile and sits down next to him on the piano bench._

_Sakuya tries to ignore the butterflies in his stomach._

* * *

Sakuya’s spend a lot of time staying wide awake at night.

He doesn’t get much sleep anymore. He spends too much time worrying about Kawara, locked alone in that freezer save for Tosaka’s brain and- dare he say it?- maybe even a ghost.

This was one of those nights, when he lay looking at the ceiling in his king sized bed, feeling more alone than he ever had before that day in September. He looked at the ceiling and remembered something about Kawara.

He had plastic stars in his bedroom.

Sakuya had visited Kawara for a begrudging sleepover when Sakuya had mentioned he had never had seen a movie before, as the only form of entertainment he enjoys is on-stage plays, operas and orchestras. They were going to go on a Kawara’s-All-Time-Favorite-Movies binge marathon.

They had gone into his room to watch the movies on his laptop, bundled up under tons of blankets, and Sakuya looked up at the ceiling. He saw plastic glow-in-the-dark stars on there, and did not see the intrigue in it.  
When he asked Kawara, he responded with a smile. “Sometimes when it’s difficult to fall asleep, I just look up at my ceiling and look at all the stars. I find it comforting, somehow.” He says this as he turns back to the horror movie so bad it was funny, and Sakuya was left to ponder why anyone would want fake plastic stars on their ceiling.

He think he understood why now.

He looked at the clock. It was 2:13 am. He always missed Kawara, sure, but when you’re up very late at night and feeling sentimental it really hits you twice as hard as it usually does. With Kawara here, he could call him. Maybe even talk about his problems- but more likely just ask Kawara to talk and he’d listen.

But he wasn’t here now.

He thinks he should’ve done something more to try to have Kawara stay with him. He could just keep all the humans away from him, it’s not like either of them really liked them anyways. They could’ve stayed together with this virus, it wouldn’t have caused them any trouble. They could’ve lived out the rest of their days together, not worrying about the Charon Virus or anything else that happened to them that day.

Of course it didn’t work. He was always too noble.

* * *

_“Nageki was kept frozen here, right, doctor?”_

_“Indeed he was. The facility was sealed off, so it was hardly difficult to keep people from snooping around.”_

_“…I’m staying here with Hiyoko.”_

_This five words hit Sakuya in the chest like a bag of bricks. After everything they had been together- he’s just going to leave him like this? He’s just going to leave Sakuya alone, while he stays in this basement? Who does he think he is?_

_“What are you saying, Kawara!? Come with us at once!”_

_He didn’t feel the tears falling down his cheeks as he was outbursting at Kawara. He was too angry, too open with him, to try to hide the fact that he was once again crying._

_Kawara looked at him with wide eyes, obviously startled._

_“Sakuya-”  
“What about Tanabata? What about the festivals? What about another movie marathon at your house where you share with me some of your favorites?” Sakuya was now sobbing as he slowly started raising his voice louder and louder, now not caring about the others looking at him._

_“What about me, Kawara?”_

_He was finished as he stood here looking at Kawara, who had not changed expression the whole time during his outburst. His fists were clenched as he glared at Kawara, expecting him to respond at least somehow._

_Kawara was now crying._

_‘Good,’ Sakuya thought. ‘He deserves this for making me feel this way.’ He regretted these words as soon as he thought it. He knew this was just as difficult for Kawara just as it was for him. He didn’t know how to feel._

_Kawara started walking towards him, stopping just an inch in front of his face. Kawara had to look up to be able to look into Sakuya’s eyes. They stood like this for what felt like a lifetime, understanding each other and what they were feeling, and Kawara leaned in to hug Sakuya. He hugged Sakuya the tightest he had ever hugged anyone before._

_Sakuya did not know how to react to this either. He stood rigid and tall as Sakuya embraced him, but he decided to do what felt right._

_He hugged Kawara back, maybe even tighter, as he cried harder than he ever had in his life into Kawara’s shoulder._

* * *

It was this night at 2:13 am when his hope was dwindling rather low. He didn’t know what he was expecting for the rest of the year, or anything in general.

However, when his phone went off, he sat there for a few minutes wondering whether he should check right now, or try to fall asleep again and check in the morning.

He decided there was no way he’d ever fall asleep this night, as he barely ever did any night. He opens his phone, sees the notification from ‘Hawk Party Laboratories’. He knows this is another failure Charon Virus cure message, but unlocks his phone anyways.

_Hawk Party Laboratories:_

_To Sakuya Le Bel Shirogane_

_Our latest test of the Charon Virus has been successful. All traces of the Charon Virus have been eradicated from our test subject when given this vaccination._

_We have not tested this on a bird yet, however, yet we are certain it will work on Kawara Ryouta. We will have his dosage ready on Saturday, January 17, 2189. It will take place at St Pigeonations._

_Feel free to gather anyone you would like to witness this event with._

_-Hawk Party Laboratories_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow that was a biggin,, more than twice the last chapter! huh.
> 
> I promise Ryoutas gonna be in this soon and actually be like. There.
> 
> Listen to A Lack of Color here:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vYNyBmn6LE
> 
> Next up is Passenger Seat!


	3. Passenger Seat

_Then looking upwards_  
_I strain my eyes and try_  
_To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites_  
_From the passenger seat as you are driving me home_  
_Do they collide?_  
_I ask and you smile_  
_With my feet on the dash_  
_The world doesn't matter_

Ryouta had been in a hospital many times in his life to visit his mom. He had gotten used to the feeling of a hospital, its white walls and the feeling of dread when you enter.

He had not, however, been the source of the dread.

He was always plagued by stomachaches his whole life, sometimes getting so bad he’d have to leave class to go to the infirmary, but luckily never causing him to go to the hospital.

When he had opened his eyes and was introduced into the stark white ceiling that was unmistakably a hospital, he had been confused to say the least. His stomach did not hurt for the time being, and neither did anything else on his body, all he really felt was numbness, something that felt like waking up from a long nap.

He summoned all the strength that he had and turned his head to the side. He looked down and saw multiple needles in his arms and wondered what could have possibly happened to him that caused the necessity to be hooked up to so many machines.

As he looked past his arm, he tried to focus on his surroundings. His eyesight was still incredibly blurry, but was able to make out the shape of a person sitting in the chair adjacent to his hospital bed. The person was obviously sleeping even though it seemed light out- has this person been staying awake all night for him? He did not have the heart to wake this person up, and he didn’t think he’d have the strength to say anything anyways.

He tried focusing his eyes to figure out who this person was. He saw the resemblance of something like a tuxedo, a book longer than anything he had ever read, and unmistakably silver-blue hair.

He only knew of one person who’d wear something as fancy as a tuxedo to a hospital.

As he was feeling the elated joy of knowing one of his friends had stayed with him through the ordeal of the hospital, a feeling of tiredness like he had never known before washed over him.

He closed his eyes, and fell asleep with a soft smile on his face.

* * *

The hospital days had flown away at amazing speed, and yet at the same time it was the slowest week Ryouta had ever experienced. The hospital did not really have much to offer other than the ability to sit in bed all day, but yet all the prodding and poking and all the tests had killed some time.

His friends had visited him, too.

Anghel had dropped by quite a few times, visibly panicking and talking about the ‘eternal abyss of despair’ being an ‘eclipse on the horizon’. (He assumed he was talking about his manga due date, but with Anghel he could never be sure.) 

Ryouta didn’t even have to ask Anghel to be able to read his newest manga- they had been dropped off in a bag before he had even woken up. He’d read some of the novels, and even though the drawing was… subpar… he had appreciated it nonetheless. It was basically him and all his friends but as people with superpowers. It was pretty entertaining.

Yuuya and Leone had also dropped by, but only one or two times. They would visit him to just to see how he was doing, talk to him and keep him company for only a few minutes. Their jobs, which Ryouta still did not know exactly what they did even though he knew they worked for the Dove Party, were very strict and had long hours. He did enjoy their company, no matter how long they were able to stay for.

Yuuya had also left a gift- a card handwritten from him. From what he could tell, it was a note straight from the heart. Yuuya’s handwriting was atrocious. He definitely spent a chunk of time trying to decipher what he was trying to say.

Dr Iwamine and Nanaki surprisingly visited a lot. Dr Iwamine had managed to worm his way out of going to jail, but he still needed someone to watch over him. Surprisingly, Nanaki took the job as he had nothing else to do since St Pigeonations had shut down. Ryouta supposed their friendship- if you could call it that- worked on mutual hatred and contemptment. If it worked for them, he wasn’t going to complain.

When they would visit, Mr Nanaki would also smile warmly and ask about how he’s been doing recently, usually adjoined with the offer of mango tea. He would fall asleep sometimes during their meetings, as he is prone to due, but has stayed awake more than he had before. Dr Iwamine would just sit and watch in silence during the times he’d come in.

They hadn’t left any gifts- but it’s not as if Ryouta had expected them to, anyways. Mr Nanaki’s talking to him was gift enough since it took his mind off being in the hospital, among other things.

Sakuya hadn’t been visibly visiting him in the hospital- he’d maybe drop in when he was accompanied by others- but he had kept saying he had business about Ryouta’s hospital treatment to attend to. Ryouta supposed that since he did manage to come out of this alive, Sakuya was just finishing up loose ends. He still didn’t understand, however, why Sakuya had not made time to visit him alone. He didn’t think that Sakuya could possibly have that much work.

He hadn’t forgotten the first day he woke up, however. He knew unmistakably that the person who had been sleeping in the chair next to him had been Sakuya. That got him wondering if Sakuya only visits him when he’s asleep. He tried staying awake some nights to see if Sakuya ever did visit him at night, but he had always fallen asleep too early due to his body.

All this time in the hospital had given him time to remember, though. Remember why he had been put in the hospital in the first place.

When again faced with the fact that his best friend, the one who had saved his life in more than one way, the one who had been with him through everything, the one who he thought he was endgame with had been murdered, it didn’t hit him as hard as it did the first time he found out.

Of course, it was shocking news and Ryouta could hardly help himself to have random bursts of unadulterated sadness, but he had already known she was dead. It’s not like it was something new. He had subconsciously already gotten used to the fact that she was dead.

Hiyoko had, however, talked to him while he was in his cryogenic sleep along with Nageki. They had kept him company as he stayed in a frozen state for almost a year and a half. The thing is, Ryouta didn’t know if his mind had been playing tricks on him in there. Maybe the hallucinations of them had been a way to cope? He hadn’t seen any more of Hiyoko or Nageki since then.

Hiyoko had had her funeral when Ryouta had still been frozen. Ryouta didn’t really know how to feel about this. He felt like that he should’ve been there, it’s obligatory to go to someone that you knew’s funeral. He’s also kind of glad he didn’t have to go. He didn’t know how he’d feel if he was there on that day.

A nurse lightly knocked on his door. He didn’t respond, more of a quiet non-committal sound, but it didn’t matter because the nurse came in anyways.

“Mr Kawara?”

No matter how many times he had politely asked to just be called Ryouta, he was still only seventeen (eighteen?) and didn’t need such a formal address. Yet, the nurses insist on calling him that. He doesn’t really mind, though. He just would’ve liked to keep at least some of his childhood intact.

“You have another visitor.”

He quickly looked over, expecting to see Anghel with dark bags under his eyes, or Yuuya and Leone coming in to say a few words, or Kazuaki pushing Dr Iwamine’s wheelchair with a jug of mango tea made for him.

What he didn’t expect was to see an obviously uncomfortable Sakuya standing in the doorway.

“Sakuya?”

“Hello, Kawara.”

He thought they were way past the formal last name stage of their friendship. He wasn’t going to complain though. At least one thing has stayed consistent in his life.

The nurse smiled at the both of them. “Call me if you need anything!” She turns away and shuts the door behind her, leaving just Sakuya and Ryouta in the room alone.

Ryouta had thought about Sakuya visiting him alone. He desperately wanted him to- someone to have experienced the exact same things he went through on that day, and, well, Sakuya was a friend. He wanted a little company.

However, even due to all the wishing of Sakuya visiting him unaccompanied in the hospital room, he had never thought of something to say. The awkward silence in the room was almost suffocating the two of them. 

“Sakuya… I-”

“Kawara.”

Sakuya turned to face Ryouta, but yet not looking him in the eye. He was looking at the ground, seeming as if he was counting the tiles. Ryouta was not going to start up again, waiting for Sakuya to finish his sentences and thoughts.

He walked over to the chair next to Ryouta’s bed and pulled it closer, so that he was almost right next to Ryouta. He was still not making eye contact with Ryouta. He had a feeling he knew what was coming next.

“It’s… it’s about your mother.”

Ryouta clasped his hands together tighter than he ever had before and started messing with them. He shut his eyes tight, believing that if he shut out the rest of the world he wouldn’t have to deal with this. He knew what Sakuya was going to say before he had even uttered the first word.

“She died a few days ago.”

It’s not as if he wasn’t expecting this. He knew it was coming eventually. His mother had been in and out of hospitals, and he knew that soon he wouldn’t be able to take care of her anymore. There was no way any kind of hospital would’ve been able to save her with current technology. He had been preparing for this since he had put his mother into that hospital, but it had seemed so far away. It didn’t seem real.

“She had the best care she could’ve received. I made sure of that. She wasn’t in pain when… when she passed away.”

Ryouta had his hands clasped so tight his hands were white. He didn’t know what to do. He tried to speak, but all he let out was a pitiful sound.

He had let it all out. That day in September, his dead best friend, the horrors he had to go through, that terrifying scarecrow, and now his mother dead. He was sobbing now. He didn’t think he had the energy to try to stop.

Sakuya didn’t know how to react. Obviously, Ryouta wasn’t going to take this information in stride. He knew he was going to react somehow. 

He just doesn’t know how to help someone.

He felt it would’ve been better if he had had an outburst. Started yelling, screaming, maybe even punching something at the news of his mother’s death. He knew how to deal with that. He was that person.

However, he just had no clue how to deal with something like this. Just pure sadness. Something so pitiful to watch that he could just stand there and watch it happen.

He continued to just watch as Ryouta kept crying. He finally stood up and aimed for the door, when he felt something on his arm.

Ryouta had weakly reached out and grabbed Sakuya's arm, trying to get him to stay. Sakuya stood there for a few minutes. He didn’t understand why he would want him to stay, there was nothing he could do to help him, but he grabbed Ryouta’s arm back as he sat himself back down again.

They sat there like this for a while, holding each other weakly but yet so tightly as if they were the only people left in the world.

Maybe they couldn’t truly understand each of each other’s problems, but they could embrace and try to be there for each other.

They weren’t going to let each other go again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway that was a while between updates,,
> 
> listen to passenger seat here:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hy8m90clHgw
> 
> next up is sound of settling!


	4. The Sound of Settling

_Our youth is fleeting_  
_Old age is just around the bend_  
_And I can't wait to go grey_  
_And I'll sit and wonder_  
_Of every love that could have been_  
_If I'd only thought of something charming to say_  


_This is the sound of settling  
This is the sound of settling_

 

  
The days in the hospital had blown by in a blur. Sometimes Ryouta would have nothing to do all day, while the next would consist of nothing but tests.

The others visited just as much as they had beforehand. Anghel was now more awake and could speak more comprehensible words as the deadline for his manga has passed. Yuuya and Leone would sometimes go out of country and Yuuya would bring him back little trinkets. Dr Iwamine was as imposing as ever, and Nanaki continued to stay awake for longer and longer each time.

There was still no word from Hiyoko or Nageki, however.

Sakuya would visit more often since their conversation about his mother’s death. Ryouta assumed the reason he wasn’t visiting during that time was that he didn’t want to bring up the bad news and be put into that awkward situation.

Ryouta had, however, been doing reasonably well since learning about his mother’s death. Of course, there were always those little things that resonated so deeply with him of his mother that he couldn’t help himself from crying.

There was this one nurse with the same bright sunshine yellow eyes his mother had. She’d call him ‘sweetie’ in the same way his mother would. The latest time she had done this Ryouta had burst into tears without warning. The nurse was so taken aback by this outburst that she had come to the conclusion to never call him ‘sweetie’ again. She had wanted to ask him why he got to upset at the word, but didn’t want to risk another sobbing. She’d try her hardest to just refer to him as ‘Mr Kawara’ while she was talking to him.

Ryouta had always known that his mother was going to die, someday. She was never the healthiest, and her health had always seemed to take a turn for the worse. It’s not like there had ever been a light at the end of the tunnel. Her death was just confirmation of something he always new was going to happen.

It’s just so weird to be without something that had been there for him his whole life.

Ever since a kid, his mother had been there for him. Kissing his scraped knees when he fell, helping him with his math homework when it got more difficult, cooking him delicious dinners on days that could’ve gone better, and helping him fix his uniform before he would head off for his school day. It was a complete world-turner having that lightness in his life just… disappear.

It’s not that he hadn’t learned to take care of himself. Since his mother had been in and out of hospitals, he wasn’t unaccustomed to empty houses. He knew how to clean. How to feed himself. How to make sure he was doing well on his own.

It’s just strange for that safety net to be gone.

Sakuya and Ryouta’s conversations, if you could even call them that, were bleak. Sakuya would walk into his room just to sit on the chair next to him for an hour or two, sending important emails. Ryouta would ask Sakuya how he’s been. Sakuya would stay Sakuya and respond with a terse answer, not bothering to respond with another question.

Ryouta was fine with it, though. He decided that anything that didn’t have Sakuya yelling at him was a plus.

Recently, Sakuya had stopped dropping by. Not that Sakuya was the best company, but Ryouta had started to miss his presence. The red chair next to him seemed more empty than usual.

When the bright yellow eyed nurse had walked in again, Ryouta had decided to ask her whether or not she knew about the whereabouts of his friend.

When she had walked in a few minutes later after Ryouta had decided his plan, he didn’t even wait for her to say hello before he asked. 

“Do you know where my friend is?”

“What?”

Ryouta hadn’t expected her to know- it’s not her job to keep track of his friends. He just wanted to know if Sakuya had been dropping by the hospital or not.

“My friend. He drops by sometime.”

“Mr. Kawara, I’m sorry, but you’ve had many visitors during your stay here. You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“The one with light blue hair? Light blue eyes? Always seemed like he’s overdressed for every occasion?”

“Oh, Mr. Shirogane?”

“Yeah! Yeah, him!”

“I’ve seen him outside your door a few times recently. He was here yesterday. Was he supposed to be here today?”

Ryouta took this information with confusion.

Sakuya had been here these past few days? Outside his door and he never went in? Ryouta had seen this situation before. Sakuya probably wanted to talk to him about something that embarrassed him to talk about. He didn’t have any idea of what Sakuya would want to bring up. Nothing had been troubling him recently for Sakuya to bring up.

“Uh… yeah, he was supposed to visit me today.”

“Oh, okay! I’ll keep an eye out for him today, alright Mr. Kawara?”

“Yeah, that’d be great, thanks.”

As the bright eyed nurse left the room, Ryouta was left to think about what in the world Sakuya would want to talk to him about.

_* * *_

“Mr. Kawara? You have another visitor. Shirogane, I believe it was?”

Ryouta quickly looks up, wide-eyed, towards the door where the two of them are standing. The nurse is peeking in through the door, her arm grabbing Sakura's. Obviously the nurse had tried to lead a reluctant Sakuya to Ryouta’s door and see him in.

Sakuya was still behind the door, so Ryouta had not seen him yet. The only thing that he knew for sure was that he was there was the unmistakable anger in his voice.

“Let go of my arm! I don’t need you to leave me here like some sort of… child! I know how to walk myself.”

“Alright… well, I’ll be back in a few hours for your medication!”

With one last farewell, the nurse pushes a terrified Sakuya into the room and she shuts the door. A familiar silence fills the room as they stand, just looking at each other.

“Would you like to tell me what’s wrong, or…?”

Sakuya looked up in surprise at Ryouta, obviously surprised he asked this assertive of a question. 

“Excuse me?”

“You haven’t been visiting my room, even though the nurse told me that you’ve been here visiting the hospital.” Sakuya’s face flushes into a hot pink. “And the last time you told me something that was difficult for you to say, you ignored me too.”

Sakuya still stood in silence, now looking down on the floor.

“Could you just tell me whats wrong?”

Ryouta’s voice got a lot softer when he said this. Sakuya looked back up at him.

“Yes. So, I… I’ve been thinking.”

Ryouta debated whether or not to respond with ‘Did it hurt?’ but decided it wasn’t the time.

“My father- Mr. Le Bel. He is… not a good person. And I do not want to associate myself with him. I mean, it is impossible to hate the man who raised you, but I’ve…” Sakuya started to look more uncomfortable by the minute. “I’ve decided to change my name to just Sakuya Shirogane. If you could call be that from now on, I would be very thankful. And if you could not tell Yuuya, I’d deeply appreciate it. I’ll tell him in my own time.”

Ryouta guessed that even through everything that happened, tensions between Sakuya and his brother were still tense. It’s hard to break old habits, truthfully.

“Okay, _Sakuya Shirogane._ ” He smiled as he spoke Sakuya's new name. He thought he saw a small smile on Sakuya’s lips, too. “Was that it? Because if it was, Sakuya, it honestly wasn’t that big of a deal, you could’ve told me anytime-”

“No, that wasn’t all.”

Ryouta once again went to being silent, waiting patiently for the nervous man in front of him to start speaking.

“My father… Mr. Le Bel. He doesn’t believe in a noble creating art for themselves. _‘Art is to be looked at and seen by nobles, not to be created. We pay the commoners to do that for us.’ _” Sakuya looked the most bitter Ryouta had ever seen him while he was quoting his dad. He obviously had strong feelings for his musical ability.__

__“It’s not that I am- I’m not obsessed with creating and playing music, that’s not- that’s not it.” Sakuya averted his eyes as he said this. Ryouta looked at him with a knowing smile. Did he really not realize just how much he cared for music? The love that playing the piano brings to him? He wasn’t going to interrupt him, however. Not when he had just gotten the courage to start speaking to him again._ _

__“I just think that I should forge my own path for my future. I don’t want someone else to dictate what I can and cannot do.” He looks proud of himself as he says this, as though he had just given a brave speech after winning a gallant war. Ryouta wasn’t one to say that he didn’t win a war. He won one against his father and his upbringing._ _

__“So… I… I need your help.” He spits the last part of the sentence out like it was poison that would kill him if he held onto it for too long. His confident expression was gone now after this, and he was back to looking back down on the floor._ _

__Ryouta decided to try to joke with Sakuya to lighten his spirits._ _

__“Did it physically hurt you to say that?”_ _

__Sakuya finally looks up from the floor and glares at Ryouta, the first time he had made eye contact with him since he had started this conversation. The light blue eyes bearing down on Ryouta chilled him to the bone, but also made him smile. It was great to have the old Sakuya back, even if just for a few minutes._ _

__“Anyways, as I was saying- I do need you help.” Ryouta looked up at him from his hospital bed expectantly._ _

__“I need to take up residence at your place.”_ _

__If Ryouta had been drinking something at the time, he surely would’ve spit it out. He didn’t know what he was expecting for Sakuya to say, but he definitely was not expecting Sakuya to ask him if he could stay at his house._ _

___“What?”_ _ _

__After Sakuya had finally said the thing that was worrying him the whole time, he was more confident in explaining his plans to Ryouta. There was nothing else to lose as he had already let the cat out of the bag._ _

__“I am planning on talking to Mr. Le Bel about my aspiration to become a musician.” Ryouta looked at him with awe, but also with a mix of respect. He had never expected Sakuya to be so humble about his dreams- and he never knew that piano was the one thing that he felt was his calling._ _

__“I am not an idiot, however. I know that he will not take this news well. I am just being prepared for the inevitable, as he might kick me out of his house. It would be nice to have a backup plan if this does happen, and I’ve decided my backup plan will to stay at your house.” He looks up, and makes eye contact with Ryouta for only the second time during this visit. Sakuya looked surprisingly humble as he asked Ryouta this. “I hope you’ll accept my proposition.”_ _

__Ryouta didn’t know how to respond to this. “Uh- yeah, Sakuya of course you can. But I don’t have any-”_ _

__“Thanks. Kawara. I’ll remember this.” And with that farewell, Sakuya had swiftly left the room without listening to what Ryouta was about to say._ _

__Ryouta didn’t have anything in his house- he had been gone for what, a year and a half? There was no food in the fridge. None of the beds had been made. There were absolutely no accommodations for one person, let alone two._ _

__He supposed they’d have to stop by the grocery store on their way home._ _

_* * *_

__  


__Ryouta was finally released from the hospital after a few weeks. He went to physical therapy while he was in the hospital, and he did not need much of it before he got the hang of walking again. He would still be prone to tripping over his feet sometimes, however. Ryouta had been clumsy in his life before he had been in that cryogenic sleep, so not much had changed._ _

__He was glad to finally be free of all the wires that were constantly in his arm and the nurses who treated him like he was a glass vase._ _

__The hospital was obligated to wheel their patients out on a wheelchair, no matter how many times Ryouta had complained and said he could stand up on his own. As he was arguing with the nurse who was pushing his wheelchair, they arrived at the waiting room and he saw Sakuya waiting for him._ _

__The nurse finally allowed Ryouta to get out of the wheelchair to Ryouta’s satisfaction, as he stood up to walk towards Sakuya._ _

__“It took you long enough to get down here. The nurses told me that you would be out at 7 pm. It’s already 7:12.” Sakuya is back to his regular, irritable self._ _

__“It’s nice to see you too, Sakuya.” Sakuya spins around to walk out of the hospital, and Ryouta follows him on his tail. Ryouta didn’t know if he imagined it or not, but it seemed that a little bit out of the hospital Sakuya had slowed down his walk so that Ryouta could walk next to him._ _

__“Wait, you were angry about me being only twelve minutes late? If anything, that’s what you should’ve expected. It’s not like I was an hour late.”_ _

__Sakuya turns to his left to glare down Ryouta. “If someone tells me something, they should keep their word. If they tell me you will be out at five, you better be out at five.” Ryouta couldn’t help himself but to smile. “You have your day down to the last minute, I assume?” Ryouta jokes. “Yes! I do! I’m a busy person. I have no time to be late for anything.”_ _

__Sakuya turns back around and Ryouta smiles at his shoes._ _

__It’s definitely going to be interesting having Sakuya around._ _

_* * *_

__  


__“I really appreciate your help, Sakuya. It was really great.”_ _

__Ryouta sets down the four grocery bags he was holding on the table in his house. As he does, a layer of dust flies up into Ryouta’s face and he tries to wave it away. He’s going to have to clean this place up soon- it’s a disaster._ _

__“I didn’t need to carry any of the bags because I thought you had it under control. Also, I paid for your groceries. I felt that was help enough.”_ _

__Sakuya follows Ryouta into the house, carrying nothing. He takes a look around the house that he’s going to be staying at for who knows how long. Ryouta looks up and decided to copy Sakuya and look at the house he hadn’t seen in a year and a half._ _

__There was dust on almost everything in the house. You could barely see the people inside the pictures that were on the walls and the tables. Ryouta didn’t know if he wanted to clean those just yet. Seeing his father, himself when he was younger throughout his years, and especially his mom. He didn’t want to be suckerpunched with feelings from the first time he had entered his house in a while._ _

__The yellow paint of the hallways seemed duller than it ever had. The entire house seemed to be draped in a grayness that he couldn’t quite describe, and he had a feeling it wasn’t just because of the dust. The had a feeling of emptiness that he had never felt before- he didn’t even feel this when his mother had been in the hospital. It’s just as if there was vacuum in his house._ _

__“What time is it? That dreaded subway threw off my sense of time.”_ _

__Ryouta assumed that Sakuya had been brought up to be driven only in high end cars and limousines._ _

__“It’s about ten.”_ _

__“Ten? You’re telling me it took us about three hours to get home?”_ _

__“I mean, the train was a little late and I do live a little out of town. Do you not remember complaining the whole time about the train being not on time?”_ _

__Sakuya gave a noncommittal noise of contempt._ _

__Ryouta sorted out all the food they had bought at the grocery store to try to offset the empty space in his heart that just wouldn’t go away. They had bought the very basics- eggs, bread, and a few vegetables and fruits. He was aware that Sakuya had set himself down at the dining table and was watching him intently. He was prepared for Sakuya to make a comment, but he did not. He just watched Ryouta throw out the old food in his fridge and replace it with the newly bought food._ _

__“Would you want me to make you something? I know it’s probably been awhile since you’ve eaten anything-”_ _

__“That won’t be necessary.”_ _

__Ryouta looked up from putting the fruit in the basket to look at Sakuya. Sakuya looked back up at him to elaborate._ _

__“I’m just not very hungry as of now.”_ _

__Ryouta gave him a nod, a little disappointed that he had nothing else to do. He looked up around the kitchen and saw that he had nothing else to do. He tried to think of something- anything- to do, but there were no more groceries to put away (as there were very few) and dusting his house would take up too much of his energy._ _

__“So… you don’t need me for anything?_ _

__“No.”_ _

__Ryouta stood still in his kitchen. He felt as tired as he always did in the hospital- but he was excited at the prospect of sleeping in a real bed._ _

__“I think I’ll be headed to bed soon.”_ _

__“Okay.”_ _

__He didn’t really know what he was expecting from Sakuya. Maybe just more of a sentence, he supposed? More than one syllable sentences, but he wasn’t going to force it out of Sakuya this night. He was just ready to go to sleep._ _

__Ryouta took one last look at Sakuya before he walked up the stairs to his bedroom. He was still sitting at the dining table, a blank look on his face._ _

__“The guest bedroom is the one right next to mine. You can sleep there.”_ _

__“Alright.”_ _

__Sakuya did not look up at him, but Ryouta kept his gaze on Sakuya for a little longer than he should’ve. He finally looked away, and decided it was out of gratefulness. You can’t not like someone who saved you from a cryogenic sleep. That was it._ _

__He pushed these thoughts out of his mind, as he felt sleep consume him almost the second he got into his bed._ _

__With one last thought of his friend, and a smile on his face, Ryouta fell into the deepest sleep he’s had in a while._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're finally spending time with each other! Yay!
> 
> I just love them so much.
> 
> Listen to The Sound of Settling here:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pphrk6wE5aw
> 
> Next up is Title and Registration! 
> 
> (which will be a very short chapter. just an fyi.)


	5. Title and Registration

_And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide_  
_Lying awake at night, up all night_  
_When I'm lying awake at night_

Sakuya was not one for conversations.

He did, of course, enjoy company just as much as the next person. It’s not as if he enjoyed being alone- even if he was annoyed by the person he was hanging out with, he still enjoyed the fact that they were taking time out of their day to hang out with him. He liked the feeling of someone else liking him.

He just didn’t know what to say to Kawara.

He had just gotten out of the hospital after being there for a few weeks, having no company but the nurses and maybe a few of his friends dropping by. He had been frozen cryogenically in the basement of his school for over a year, having found out that he had contracted an incurable disease that would kill any human he would come in contact with. And, they had both been plagued by the thing that had started it all.

Tosaka’s death.

He was not very close to Tosaka at the moment of her death- he found her brash and rude for all that it matters. But she was not an unlikable person. Sakuya had enjoyed having her around, doing group projects with her, seeing her at field day, and spending time at lunch with her and Kawara.

He especially enjoyed her company when he was with Kawara. Between the two of them, before that day, they were best friends, no matter how much Sakuya would deny the claim. But Hiyoko completed the two of them- especially Kawara. She was basically his other half. They were almost never seen without each other. They could finish each other’s sentences, jokes and stories. It was fun to have her around.

Tosaka could also make Kawara laugh like no one else could. Laughing so hard he falls to the ground, holding his sides, after Tosaka made a joke that even she was laughing at. He enjoyed watching Kawara smile and laugh so hard that it hurt.

He didn’t know when he’d ever see that again.

His cherry red eyes had become duller, his skin became even paler, and everything about him, just more… gray. That was the best and only way he could describe it.

If Hiyoko was half of him, then that would explain it. Kawara only felt like half of a person.

Sakuya didn’t know how to help him in that way. Maybe he could try to complete him as best as he could. He wasn’t good with people, but… for Kawara, he was going to try.

He glanced up from his clenched fists and looked up at the clock. It read 12:11 am. Kawara had gone to bed quite a few hours ago, and yet Sakuya had stayed up. He just wasn’t in the mood to go to sleep at the time- or do anything, really. Kawara wasn’t the same person he had become best friends with. 

But that didn’t matter. Kawara was still Kawara. He was still just as kind, funny, and… well… beautiful as the person he had used to know. He knew Kawara would probably never get over what had happened to him- Sakuya didn’t expect him to- but maybe, just maybe, he’d get better. He’d learn to smile so wide that it’d hurt again. He’d learn to sing so loudly that he’d be out of breath again. He’d learn to laugh so hard he’d fall out of his seat again.

He stared at the clock as though he were having some kind of staring contest with it. He still wasn’t hungry, just as he hadn’t been when Kawara had asked him if he needed anything, and he was still no more tired than when Kawara had headed to bed.

As he watched the clock tick over a few more minutes, and today had become tomorrow, he decided there was nothing better to do than to go to bed and hopefully fall asleep anyways.

Sakuya hadn’t been getting much sleep. Even after he had found out everything with Kawara was going to be okay, he still couldn’t find that he could just close his eyes and drift off.

He decided that maybe he just needed a change of scenery, and maybe Kawara’s house could help him.

He slowly stood up from his chair and headed up the stairs- very slowly as to try not to wake Kawara up. The stairs creaked, as it was a rather old house. He didn’t know how much sleep he had been getting either, and if he was asleep he did not want to ruin that.

He reached the top of the stairs and looked at the rooms. There was one room slightly open, and Sakuya walked over to peek into the room.

The room was painted a sunflower yellow, a brighter yellow than the rest of the house had been painted. It was dimmed, however, at the time of night the room was being viewed in. The bed was a queen size, with quilts on it, and a dresser beside it with jewelry. 

He immediately knew who’s room it was after this. He knew Kawara had most likely not gone in here yet, and he felt that Kawara should be the first one in here after what had happened, but he couldn’t help himself. He slowly opened the door and stepped into the room that had used to belong to Mrs. Kawara.

A slight chill had set over him as he stepped into the room, but it wasn’t bad. The room itself was comforting. It just felt empty and gray- just like Kawara.

Sakuya glanced around the room. There was a basket of laundry next to the bed, never to be folded by the person who was supposed to do it. The jewelry beside her bed had collected a layer of dust, most likely to only be cleaned and sold. Never again to be worn by the woman who had bought them.

Sakuya spun in an almost circle to take in the whole room- and there were many picture frames hung up around the room. Paintings of sunflowers, pictures of scenery, and some miscellaneous frames of people who he didn’t know. 

There was one circular frame that had caught his eye. It was covered in such thick dust that he could barely see what was in the frame.

He walked so close to it that he could wipe the dust off of it- and he did.

In the picture frame was the Kawara family- as they should have been. There was Ryuuji, Mr. Kawara, his arm around his wife and smiling a huge mischievous smile. He had big red eyes and dark blue hair. He looked almost exactly like Ryouta. There was Mrs. Kawara, with her sunset yellow eyes and lighter blue hair that was closer to Ryouta’s, smiling a tired smile but a happy one nonetheless. 

And then there was Ryouta.

He was just a toddler at the time. He was in his mother's arms, smiling and looking just like the happy kid he had been when he was around Hiyoko. His bright red eyes matched his dad’s, and he was reaching his arm out as if he was waving to the person holding the camera. 

Sakuya had stared at this photo for a few minutes, and he felt as though he had walked on something so intimate that he shouldn’t have seen it. This wasn’t his family, this isn’t what he’s supposed to see, and he’s not even supposed to be in this room.

He took this as his cue to leave.

He took one last look at the picture of the happy family, as the family they should’ve stayed as their whole lives, and he turned around and exited the room, shutting the door to what it had looked like before he had intruded.

There were only a few rooms on this top floor- one of which was a bathroom, and another one a storage closet- so there were only two more bedrooms here, one of which was obviously his. He walked to the opposite side of the floor towards the other two bedrooms. One of them was slightly open, and he saw Kawara sleeping peacefully in his bed. He supposed he had forgotten to shut his door. He decided not to enter as he had already checked out a room he was not supposed to, and it would have been even stranger with a sleeping person in the bed.

He quietly shut the door to Kawara’s room and turned to the only bedroom left on this floor. He opened this one quietly, too, as Kawara’s room was right next to his. He looked into the room that he was going to be staying for who knows how long.

It wasn’t anything special. It was a guest room, after all. There was one picture on the wall- a painting of a few dogs and behind them, some beautiful scenery.

His bed was a twin size, and this one also had a quilt on it. He stepped towards the quilt and picked it up to examine it. It had some beautiful handiwork to it- and looked as though it was hand sown. It was faded, as though it was quite a few years old, but still beautiful nonetheless. He remembered Kawara mentioning that his mother had used to sew quilts and other things.

When he held this quilt, he felt the same way he had felt when he looked at the family picture in Mrs. Kawara’s room. As though he had invaded something intimate and personal.

He slipped between the covers of his bed, not bothering to change into pajamas as he’d just sleep in the clothes he was wearing now.

Even though the room was pitch black, quiet, and basically met every standard for him to fall asleep, he just couldn’t. All he could do was look up at the ceiling and do nothing. He was used to it.

He wished he had some of Kawara’s plastic stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I'm making literally everything yellow?? Idk
> 
> Listen to Title and Registration here:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGEyqP0744c
> 
> Next up is Expo 86!


	6. Expo 86

_I am waiting for something to go wrong_

_I am waiting for familiar resolve_

_I am waiting for another repeat_

_Another diet fed by crippling defeat_

_And I am waiting for that sense of relief_

_I am waiting for you to flee the scene_

Ryouta’s deep and restful sleep had not lasted very long for him.

He kept going in and out of consciousness while sleeping, not knowing how long he finally falls asleep during those brief moments.

Throughout this whole night, whether awake or just barely asleep, one name kept crossing his mind no matter how many times he tried to push it out.

Tosaka Hiyoko.

His best friend since- well, basically forever. She had saved his life when he was just a baby, and continued to make his life an adventure for the rest of hers.

Ryouta had never explicitly thought about Hiyoko dying before him- it’s not as though he ever really needed to. He always had a feeling that he would be the one to die first, being the smaller and weaker one out of the two of them, and his terrible immune system would probably end up bringing his fall.

He always just kind of assumed that Hiyoko would… live forever.

She wasn’t one to just be brought down by something so easily. She was a hunter-gatherer, fighting her way through the world with an iron fist, nothing being able to bring her down.

Ryouta always thought that she was invincible.

He never truly had to come to terms that no one could cheat death, not even one who seemed invincible.

But there’s no time for dwelling on what happened to her, Ryouta had decided. Hiyoko wouldn’t have wanted him dwelling on the fact that she wasn’t there anymore- she’d want him to cherish all the memories that they had made together.

Ryouta smiled. He started to think of his favorite one. They were kids, it was winter, and this was the first time it had really set in for him that Hiyoko was probably insane.

* * *

_“Oh Ryouta, come on. It’s not that scary!”_

_Ryouta, just recently turned 10 at the time, looked down the huge snowy hill that Hiyoko was egging him on to go down, and hugged his sled closer out of fear._

_“You’re a big kid now. I mean, double-digits, Ryouta! You need to learn to have some fun.”_

_“Hiyoko… there’s a road at the bottom of the hill! What if a car comes? That’d be the end of us! Oh my god, my mom would kill me if I died!”_

_Hiyoko laughed heartily. As a summer born kid, Hiyoko was older and therefore stronger than Ryouta. She was more willing to take risks than Ryouta, just for the enjoyment and the sake that she could say that she had._

_“Ryouta, you were always a worry wart. Come on, the road’s super icy. No one’s going to be driving down it! Plus, it’s fun to hit the ice when you’re going fast.”_

_Ryouta, still unsure about the whole thing, stepped further back away from the edge._

_Hiyoko turned to him, and gave him a wide smile that showed off her missing front tooth. “Don’t you trust me?”_

_Ryouta thought immediately. ‘Well,’ he thought, ‘I do trust you. I trust you more than anyone else in the world.’ He made up his mind, he was going to go down this crazy hill that he’d probably die on for Hiyoko. But before he could even get a sound out, Hiyoko got on her sled and pushed off as fast she could down this hill._

_He could hear her whooping and hollering the whole way down, and when she slid onto the icy road her sled started spinning in circles, which caused Hiyoko to cheer even louder._

_As she hit the snowbank on the other side of the road, she sat there for a few moments with a crazy grin on her face._

_“RYOUTA, THAT WAS THE BEST THING EVER!” she yelled, trying to get her point across to the blue-haired boy still standing on the top of the hill._

_Ryouta smiled to himself, as he took a deep breath, got on his sled and pushed off._

_He could hear Hiyoko’s cheering the whole way down._

* * *

Ryouta couldn’t help himself but to grin while rewatching and reliving this memory of his.

His little laugh of his fear and ignorance at his younger self at soon turned into a small sob.

He didn’t care that Hiyoko wouldn’t want him to cry. He didn’t care that he knew himself he shouldn’t be crying. Because…

God, he missed her.

He missed her so much.

He missed the way she’d smile, showing off her chipped front teeth. He missed the way she’d laugh a hearty laugh whenever Ryouta would say or do something silly. He missed the way she’d eat the batter of whatever Ryouta was baking, no matter how many times Ryouta had said that she couldn’t. He missed her wide brown eyes that would light up at the thought of doing anything dangerous.

He missed the way that that she emanated sunshine as she walked into a room.

He missed everything.

He managed to finally to totally fall asleep during the night, but sometimes he’d lean over in his bed, with his arms outstretched, looking for something.

It’s not as though he had really expected to find anything.

He didn’t even know what he was looking for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk i feel like this chapter kinda sucked :/ it's whatever though
> 
> listen to expo 86 here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hHbVvTuuV4
> 
> next up is lightness!


End file.
